


Spock is emotionally amok

by Wooshie



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek TOS - Fandom, Star Trek The Original Series
Genre: AOS, I don’t think any warnings are necessary but I’m not sure idk, M/M, Some very small fluff, Star Trek - Freeform, TOS, mission, spock feels emotions, spock looses his ability to meditate, this isn’t rly good written I just wanted to get my idea out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wooshie/pseuds/Wooshie
Summary: A creature on a foreign planet has attacked Spock. The attack has made it difficult for Spock to concentrate and collect his thoughts in meditation. The only thing making him fully vulcan is blocked.  Mccoy and Jim are trying to find some kind if cure, if it’s an ever-lasting effect. In that meantime, Spock is too uncomfortable to be around anyone.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 23





	Spock is emotionally amok

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t intended to be well written. I had this idea and rly wanted to write it out. And somehow it got this long. Also my first language isn’t english, so there definitely be many mistakes.  
> This is also my first fic I have written in a loongg while. I only wrote some very bad undertale fics on wattpad when I was 12. 
> 
> This can also be counted as aos or tos. I rly just thought about tos when writing but it doesn’t matter.

The enterprise has found a new planet, suitable enough for humans and similar species to breathe in. Kirk had decided to vist the planet out of curiosity.   
Most of it was covered purple grass and small plants. The trees weren’t higher than 2-3 meters. Though they are suprisingly very pliable and can be bend very easily. The sky is orange on the right side of the crew, pink on the other side. The planet itself isn’t the interesting subject at the moment. The crew had found a series of different life-forms just about their size. But they don’t seem to be intelligent in any way. They have brown and greenish thick covers of fur all over them. The most noticable thing is their mouth. It has a perfecty round shape and goes out to nearly 15 centimeters. The teeth aren’t covered by lips, since they don’t have any. Because of that, they can be seen from the front.

Since the team discovered the creature, they’ve decided to study it from far away to not disturb their nature.   
Later, one creature has made contact with the crew. It is aggressive. Immediately it started to attack everyone. In reflex, the crewmen backed off. Yet the life-form is fast and makes his way one of them- to Spock. Instead of biting or punching Spock, the beast grabs his wrist. Spock is shocked and illogically curious, which is why he continues to stay still and observe.   
„Spock, damnit! You can easily shove that thing away!” Mccoy shouted from afar. A red shirt takes their phaser out to prepare to fire. Jim holds his hand in front of their phaser, to signal that it won’t be needed.   
“Lock onto our coordinates, Scotty.” He speaks into the communicator.

The creature takes a second glance on Spocks eyes and turns the vulcans wrist harshly around. It pinches his veins before Spock could react. He shivers deeply and his eyes break open. Slowly after, his shoulders and knees fall low. The only thing holding Spock is the creature by his wrist, who‘s now only a few centimeters apart from his face.  
“Shit- Medical emergency! Beam us up, Scotty!” Jim shouts as he shoots the beast on the leg. 

————————————————————————————————————————

Spock eyes flutter open. Light.  
Light hit his narrow eyes. He blinks rapidly. For some reason, the light confuses him. Rather, they discomfort him. The light never has discomforted him, not in this way. What is this light?What is the source of the light? Where exactly is he?

„That damn monster. It seemed so unintelligent and agressive, yet it attacked almost..politely.” The voice sounds familiar. “I can’t explain it. It just took Spock very carefully by the arm and does..this.” The raspy tone he’s hearing set Spocks nerves on a 78% for some reason. Why?

“Polite.“ a somewhat warm chuckle just next to him. “Funny way to describe it.“ This voice also is way too familiar. It has a calming sweet and soft tone. Not like the raspy voice.

How could he be so stupid? Spock is clearly in sickbay and is laying down because he is injured. He is on the enterprise which he has spend years on. The light is from sickbay. From the ceiling obviously.  
Why did he need 1 minute 32 seconds and 44 milliseconds to realize where he is? Spock usually knows instantly where he is when he wakes up after a mission. To be exact, 2 seconds and 35 milliseconds.  
And now it is also clear who the two humans are next to him. 

„Ah, Spock, you’re awake!“  
„You are so damn lucky you are awake- IF I WASN‘T THERE! You better invite me to a drink.“

A mild headache has entered the space between his eyebrows. A headache?  
„Doctor..“ He pulls his entire face together out of pain. Why is he experiencing pain?  
Jim puts one hand beneath and one hand ontop of Spocks, and holds is tightly with a smile. „Don’t worry, you’ve been out for nearly a day. This vein pinch hasn’t done any serious damage.“  
Leonard studies the vulcan with a serious look. In something that felt like a second, he walked away and got back a specific type of hypo. He comes near to Spock and gives him the hypo. Spock gasps. Sweat dripping down his fern green cheekbones. Now he’s finally cooling off. For a bit atleast.  
“Towel, miss Yeoman.”   
Mccoy furrows his eyebrows in deep thought. As he receives the towel, he checks the paramters above Spock.   
He’s fine. Breathing was just too fast. Though it looks like the vulcan has just experienced an emotional reaction.   
“What is on your mind, vulcan?” Leonard asks in a rather quiet tone near his patients ear. Spock glances a second to the doctor. He gulps.  
“I am..not sure. I am not sure at all?“   
Eyecontact seems too discomforting for Spock, so he avoids it. He looks over to his captain, Jim. Jim has put his hands in a cup together. Very tightly. With his thumbs circling each other, it’s obvious to Spock that he’s certainly shocked. Nothing ever happens to him, not like this. He’s showing emotion as a Vulcan.  
Though Spock isn’t hurting, not anymore atleast. He’s not in pain. The fact that he experienced pain for a moment AND couldn’t push it away is what made Spock feel. He was shocked, surprised, shaken. Then it went on. The moment he realizes that he kept on having this exact emotion was uncomfortable. He was frustrated, angered, furious. And all these feelings and thoughts he had -he couldn’t push them back in his mind. He couldn’t sort them out.

“Doctor! I..” Spock pushes himself up and straightens his back. His eyes wander back to Leonard. “I wish to be alone!” He asks. Loudly. He’s yelling. Somewhat can’t control his tone of voice. Spock‘s frustration is too strong to control  
„Put down your tone, will ya?!“ Leonard yells in response, as expected. „What’s the reason?“  
„Ahh..I apologize for my behavior. I wish to-..I must meditate! I cannot sort my mind at this moment, which is why I am accidentally showing my emotions.“

„Don’t worry, darling. Only me and miss Yeoman will see your little emotional outburst here in sickbay. I still need to-„  
Spock forcefully grabs Leonard by the wrist and pulls him by his own level of height. Doing so, Mccoy trips. His head hits perfectly on the edge of the bed surface. Kirk is already next to Leonard and tries to see if he’s ok.  
„son of a bitch!“ Mccoy shouts. Instead of getting away from Spock, he pulls himself closer to his face. As their faces are only a few centimeters part, Leonard pulls his eyebrows together and gives him a sharp look. A bold look. A bold look that exactly says “bring it on”.  
„You cannot possible imagine the madness I am experiencing at this moment, doctor. I very much demand to be alone. In my meditation room before I get worse.“  
Mccoy feels a light hand fall on his shoulder. The hand pulls him slightly back. He turns his head to his side to see Kirk face. His face is formed in a mix of sterness and concerness. Though Jims eyes have layed on the ones of the vulcan.  
“Bones.” And that’s enough. Enough to save Spock, enough to let him be, enough to let Mccoy compromise.  
„Ok, ok..“ Leonard sighs. „I understand that you know what you need. This..grabby-me thing was just a bit too much.“  
„Then I will go now. Thank you.“ Spock pushed Mccoy away by his shoulders and proceeded to get up. He could almost feel the anger and impatience filled in that push. As much as he wants to smack the rude out of that vulcan, he lets him walk off.  
Before Spock was able to open the door, he stays still and sighs.  
„I really do not want anybody to interrupt me.“  
He doesn’t want anybody to interrupt. He doesn’t want anybody to see him. Spock doesn’t even know what he’ll exactly do expect for meditating. The rage and anxiety and sadness and fear and terror and confusion and what all- all exactly spinning around in his mind. These emotions may or may not lead him to do something else other than meditating. And he wants to avoid that. His pon farr was already horrible on this ship. He nearly got aggressively physical on Ms. Yeoman. Now these uncontrollable emotions could maybe cause worse accidents. Nothing and no one should be near him in this state.

„Shut up!“ Leonard shouts. “I’ll make sure no one visit you. But I’ll be the only one to visit you- AS A DOCTOR!”  
“-And captain Kirk.”  
“And captain Kirk!..”   
Leonards eyes widen as he realizes what he has said. He glances over Jim with hatred.   
“NO!.. I mean, It depends. After I do another check-up...And please lower the temperature when I’ll come, will ya?!”

“Doctor, I don’t agree with you visiting my quarters.”  
“Who cares about your opinion, you baby?! Now go shushhhh! Before I change up my mind!“

And so, the vulcan vanishes behind the automatic door. He makes his way to his quarters. While walking, he felt his hands shake. His palms were almost vibrating- it’s the same feeling when a part of the body falls asleep. Spocks body isn’t falling asleep. He’s moving , blood rushing perfectly in the directions they’re supposed to go. No signs of any body part falling asleep, as humans keep describing it. Illogical. Obviously the cause of the immense shaking of his hands and legs are the spilling emotions.   
Atleast these thoughts keep him a bit more focused.

Without greeting any of his crew members back, he made it to his quarter. He doesn’t stop moving when he’s in. Spock quickly jumps into his robes and rushes to the meditation room. Finally he sits down. He folds his legs in toward his torso and places his falms onto his knees. As taught, he balances his weight evenly across his sit bones. He aligns his head, neck, and spine and lengthens his spine, expect for his neck. Feet and legs are relaxed. His gaze is held straight forward.  
Part of meditating is calming down and being fully relaxed. Yet he’s failed that already. He’s been boiling up inside all this time.   
First thing to do to change that is to concentrate on breathing. All he has to do is   
Inhale..  
Exhale..  
Inhale..  
And failed again. His chests beats up and down way too quickly for a relaxed vulcan. It is clear that he is just..not relaxed. Spock can’t think straight, act straight. Hell, he’s not even sitting straight anymore. What is he gonna do? The last thing Spock would do is to ask Dr. Mccoy for medication to concentrate. He wouldn’t go in a meditation phase naturally if he takes them.   
Stop thinking about this. You’re loosing track of your thoughts.  
Breathe.  
Inhale..  
Exhale..  
Inhale..  
Exhale...

..........

Spock enters his mind. He’s lost the grasp of time. Though that doesn’t matter. May it have taken 5 minutes or 5 hours- he’s finally entered his mind. Slightly. His surroundings are still pretty fuzzy and unclear. But atleast he’s accomplished it now.   
Top priority is to sort out anything in this mess. If he can just sort out his anger..maybe his agitation, his cravings, dismay, doubts, fernweh, frustration, fury, grief, satisfaction, insecurity..WHAT would he have to sort? WHAT is the top priority emotion here? Which emotion is the strongest? All his feelings are strong and dangerous. They’re vulcan emotions. There is no logical choice here. No logical choice he can think off while his brain is about to split.  
As he battles with his own thinking, Spock notices that this place is different. It felt different. Yet it also felt familiar at the same time. He blinks rapidly with, whatever he imagines it to be, his eyes. In this realm he’s in, there is no nor anybody. His own body can’t be seen, until he wishes to. Here, you clearly are just..here.  
He blinks rapidly again. This place LOOKS different. A lot different. 

Anger, green: 32,8%

Happiness, red: 16,21%

Sadness, yellow:29,3%

.....

He stops. This sight truly feels strange. So strange. There’s no need to continue looking at the others.  
These numbers he’s seeing. THEY are different. Usual numbers, that’s what they are alright. Expect they’re..colored? They have clear colors. NEVER ever has he seen colors on the numbers. Never. Normally it’s just numbers. There was no way to know if the numbers were even black or white. Everything here nothing has a color. It’s not bright. Nor is it dark. There’s no need to. And yet it’s colorful. Anger is green. Happiness is red. Sadness is yellow. These colors are nothing but illogical. Yet they’ve merged into his brain by itself. Why? Because his emotions are out now. And it feels weirdly disgusting, making his purple disgust go up to 4,67%. At the same time, it’s calm. Almost feels comfortable. Pink comfort goes up to 4,45%. It’s a familiar feeling. A feeling that’s familiar to his past..Yes, his childhood. His early and even late teens. He’s had seen these colors before. They’ve been part of him a very long while ago. 

And they’re just so.. they’re bugging. They’re annoying.

Anger, green:34,65%

They’re really uncomfortable. 

Happiness, red:12,23%

They’re very complicated, even for a vulcan brain.  
They make him remember of every single detail in the past. Every detail of the emotions he’s experienced at that time. So so many. So human.

——

Light. Light, he sees light. He sees actual colors. Real colors. He’s out of meditation.

Spock hits his hand harsh on the floor out of rage. A terrible habit he has. But his rage hasn’t been fully released yet, no. What else should he do? Spock is sure that he’d be close to break his hand accidentally. That thing that humans do..Ah, cuss.. He can’t believe he’s thinking of this, but it’s actually time to do a human activity. Since he’s already done it all this time, why shouldn’t he do something more? Now, what is the appropriate word for this moment? Cuss words aren’t really something that has interested him, ever. Spock always tented to ignore the insults Leonard threw at him.

“H..human feeces...!”

Did that make Spock feel better? He can’t tell. He expected this to be different. It looks relieving when humans do it.

...what now? Spock failed meditating. He got irritated in that state. And if he now continues to try to meditate over and over, it’ll just get more frustrating.   
Spock slowly gets up. He’s feeling a little bit better now. The emotions haven’t reduced, but he’s getting used to it now. He leaves the mediation room and makes his way to bed. Sleep would maybe do good. Sleep is relaxing. It reboots the body and brain. It’s needed now. He takes his meditation robes off and lays down. After just a whole second, he gets up again. Spock needs food. To regain he body mass he’s lost since he was in sick bay getting fed by medication. He needs to recieve the proper vitamins. But in this case he’s maybe just experiencing real hunger out of desire reasons for the first time. That’s what he believes atleast.   
Spock decides to just replicate some vulcan soup. His favorite soup, which he frankly replicates often when he’s near to emoting. It’s also one of the vulcan dishes his mother was able to do, and she’s nailing that soup.   
Mother. Should he call his mother? Her words are often soft and calming to Spock. She’s nice to talk to, she may understand these emotions better than he himself. After all, she’s experiencing them freely second after second..But she might want to tell this Sarek. Amanda is fully capable to keep Spocks secrets, but maybe she’ll see this as an emergency. She might want Sareks help, since he’s a vulcan himself obviously. That would just disappoint him more. It would disgust him just like in his childhood. Is it really worth it?..  
This is thinking with emotions. His emotions are in the way, witholding him from seeing the logical resolution. If he really would be able to find the logical answer to this, he might aswell meditate and succeed. It’s almost impossible to think logically. Or is it? From experience on this ship with humans, he has seen times where they’re logical, despite their loud distracting feelings. But Spock isn’t experienced enough to rely on only emotion. And Vulcans already have way stronger emotions, more than a petit human can handle. This is confusing.  
Spock finishes his soup. He decides it’s better to think about it after a short nap. So he does. He goes to his bed again and lays down.  
A second passed as he closes and reopens his eyes. When he closed his eyes again, Spock saw that same irritating environment again. A blank space filled with nothing but colored emotions. These colors are brighter than before. They’re blinding. This must mean that they’ve gotten worse. They have. He keeps thinking. Overthinking everything. Mostly overthinking several things at once, thanks to the brilliant perfect mind. His mother, then the ship, then his father, his job, his mentality, Jim, past traumas, insecurities, his crew members.. Some at once, some thoughts just jump onto the other.   
It’ll be hard to sleep.  
It’ll be hard to sleep, but Spock needs a short break from his mind. What can he do? In times like these, doctor Mccoy would’ve just put him to sleep. And Spock wouldn’t have hesitated to call him to do exactly that. But now, in this state and situation? Spock would be feeling embarrassed, akward, uncomfortable, ignoble, foolish, shameful and undignified to ask.   
He senses his mind getting brighter.

Spock decides to let it go, as difficult as it is. His eyes close slowly again. He’s clearly tired out. 

Beebibibibibibibiboobboonoooboobooboob

„Come in..!“  
Despite his disturbed concentration, Spock knew who was at his door by the hearing the short footsteps. They’re relaxed, but still heavy.   
Leonard stepped in the quarters. Not even a second passes and he groans loudly.  
„It’s hot, it is so HOT IN HERE! Are you trying to appear hotter by staying in the hot, you dumb vulcan?! Computer! Lower temperature to a humid human level!“  
Spock sighs as he feels his body getting colder. He sits up to look the doctor in the eyes. He catches Mccoys known grumpy face fade into a serious expression.   
„I was thinking about you just at this moment, doctor. I cannot relax.“ Spock says straight-out, which made Leonard feel a bit uneasy. It isn’t usual that this vulcan would speak openly like that. The doctor does deep-talking with everyone who needs it, including the First officer. Quite a few times, but Mccoy was always the one to open Spock up.  
„I have tried to meditate and barely succeeded..“ Leonard walks up to Spock to be face-to-face, literally. Now that Spock is sitting, they’re on the same eye level.   
„So you need me to put your brain on focus again? I can do that for you.“ Mccoy frowns. There is no instant answer that comes out of the vulcan mouth in less a second out.   
“..How have you been handling this, um, whole thing? You’ve been gone here for over a day.”   
Spocks suddenly pulls his eyebrows together and shuts his eyes tight. When he reopens his eyes, his lips automatically press together. His face feels uncontrolling. It’s as if he has to pull any part of his face together on instinct- for no reason. No, for a reason of course. He’s experiencing an emotion again, several even.   
Mccoy tries to keep his face straight and serious, but he can’t help being surprised. It’s just his human trait.   
„Look at me, Spock.“ he puts his hand on the shoulder before him to reassure the vulcan of, well, that he’s here. How illogical, since it’s obvious that the doctor is standing in front of Spock. His eyes start to water.  
„Doctor, my meditation is impossible. I am just realizing that my mind is broken.“   
Mccoy widens his eyes in response. He’s quiet for a whole second, which felt long enough to last a minute. As known of the doctor, he would try to give the patient a reassuring look, a tip on the back, honest but playful talking. Just something to make the patient feel a bit better And now that he thinks about it, literally anything could set the vulcan off. Every emotion inside of Spock is ready to burst.

“No..No, no, Spock. Look, I’ll make you calm down and you go mediate. It’ll be fine.” 

“I have not realized it until now. It is utterly impossible. My thoughts...my mindplace has completely changed. It’s become so much..”Spock pauses and looks straight down at his hands. He hasn’t noticed how much he’s fidgeting with his fingers. “It’s unimaginable for humans, I believe. But the fact is that the place is..well..”. Something warm strolls down his cheek. Spock stops fidgeting and places one finger on the exact spot where it’s warm. And it’s wet. While his finger lays there, he can feel more of those wet drops hitting it.  
“My stars, Spock, you are actually crying.”  
“My emotions are starting to outburst..? I f-ffeel them getting more intense.” His tone sounded as if he was scared. He’s shaking as his voice is. It’s as if Spocks mind has finally realized to loose hope. Loose hope of getting normal again, to be able to block intrusive thoughts and emotions, to be calm and vulcan. What he doesn’t know is that these emotions are just blocking him. His mind is filled with negativity, in that resulting to lesser productive thinking. There’s always hope. And he can’t see that hope at the moment. He can’t find any resolutions.  
Spock squeezes his eyes hard enough for more tears to flow out. He then pushes himself away from Leonard and proceeds to lay down on his bed. With his hands folded like a gun, Spock somewhat tries to stop crying. He’s deeply trying to concentrate on keeping his eyes dry.  
„Look, Spock darling..“ Leonard sits at the edge of the bed. „ Umm..this really isn’t the end of the galaxy, you know. We’ll find some solution. I’ll find you some cure.“  
„Doctor, may I ask you..to leave?“ Spock sobs unwillingly. His eyes flutter open by his own voice. „I apologize for appearing like this but you must understand. I wish to be alone.“ Leonard sighs. He thinks for a short second. The mouthcorner start to rise.  
“Don’t you want some advice? From a oh-very-miserable human with emotions? The same you are experiencing right at this moment but actually are weaker than yours?” Spock literally rolls his eyes, now that he’s capable of doing it, automatically. The tone Mccoy was speaking with is definitely something that would piss the vulcan off. It’s all sarcastic.   
“Could you just say it?”  
“Oh no no, Spock. We don’t say. We act.” The way Mccoy was speaking, all happy and playful as always, does good to them.  
“C’mere vulcan. You need some warmth of a human. It is the only and best medicine and I am prescribing you it. At the moment atleast. I still have to research more.“ And so he does it. He proceeds to wrap his arms around the Vulcan. The hug is loose enough to not make him uncomfortable. Mccoy‘s lips lift in fact slightly upwards. His eyes close softly as he digs his head further into Spocks neck. Leonard is somewhat happy and very glad, as if he’s the one recieving the warmth. The hug has a whole different impact than expected. What was the hug for again? For Spock. But it’s weird. Wrapping his arms around Spock has a different feeling. Like it’s forbidden but still done. And it’s good.

„My body temperature is normal and a human body against myself would actually cool me off. I need no human warmth.“   
Spock on the other hand feels many different things at once. The fact that he’s feeling this much about a simple human act confuses him. He’s very angered about the hug. Every centimeter of Leonards arm that’s pushing against Spocks body, feels like it’s burning. It’s unleashing more fire in his throat. It tingles. He’s angered. But at the same time, it feels refreshing. As if a heavy burden is being lifted of Spocks chest. He cools down. Yet it confuses him.

„Ugh, shut up.“ Leonard chuckles as he lets go. “This human contact is what you would call *looove* and *frieeendship*, incase your small vulcan vocabulary doesn’t know these words.”   
Spock lifts his head. He glares at Leonard and his eyebrows close tight together.  
“This is still very racist, doctor. You think very old-fashioned. But I must say, this simple human hug has really felt fascinating.”   
Instead of Spock, Leonard is the one to raise an eyebrow.

“Now to being more serious. Do you need anything? Still want it? If not, then I’ll be going.” He turns his wrist and points with his thumb to the door.   
Spock folds his hand infront of his stomach and thinks for a second. He proceeds “No, thank you doctor. You may leave.”  
“Are you gonna sleep?”

Silence.

“I will try to distract myself with other methods. I will try to play my instrument. Or-“  
“Yes yes goodbye” and so Mccoy left.

Silence again.  
Spocks brow is still lifted, he’s still irritated. Irritated as in he suprisingly feels a tiny bit calmer. What would be if he would receive several hugs at once?.. It is a very illogical thought.  
The vulcan sighs. What now? Now that he calculates the possibilities through, atleast TRIES to, nothing would really calm him enough. Playing and listening to music is one of Spocks favorite hobbies, but he believes that he can get frustrated by it quickly. He could try to paint, but that could frustrate him too. A lot of hobbies end with emotion. Spocks procedure on doing his hobbies are all lead by logicalness. The logic makes it perfect and right. He won’t mess up playing his music because logic. He won’t mess up painting because logic. Logic is a simple instruction book that only needs to be followed. Where is the intstruction book now?

—-

„And she’s also a devil between all the sweet aroma!“ The voice is filled with excitement. „The aroma is SO unusally sweet. It was so hellish sweet, my nose couldn’t resist! I don’t think anyones nose could resist! I couldn’t even tell what the smell was. Was it vanilla? But it smelled like apple too, maybe strawberry. Then maybe I smelled coconut! It was so good. It’s like some magic power is pulling you- straight to this flower! Literally!“ He points at his puffed cheek.   
„Get to the end, please, Sulu!“ Uhura pleads. „*what exactly *did the flower do?“ Chekov mumbles. His head weighs on his hand to the side. Sulu takes a deep breath, he’s again rambling about his love for plants for too long. His deep breath stops inbetween.   
Sulus eyes pop open. “HEY WAIT! You talk so much about your country and I don’t interrupt you! I don’t interrupt you at all!“   
„But I don’t repeat myself over and over and over in different ways in one single breather!”   
Uhura hits the table hard with a fist to get their attention. “You BOTH talk a lot! Now finish it plea-“   
she stops and blinks rapidly. “Mister Spock?” Chekov and Sulu turn their backs to the entrace. And it indeed was Mister Spock, heading to their direction.   
“I thought you were confined to quarters. By your own will.” All of their 6 eyes follow him sit down.  
“That is correct.”   
“Oh, so does that mean you’re better now?” A shy smile appears on Chekovs face. “No. And to be frank, I have clue about why I had the urge to come here.”  
“Isn’t there any kind of vulcan thing for..repressing emotions? That’s how I understand it.”   
“No, Mister Sulu. I’m not sure...There is a ceremony but I cannot participate in this state. At all.” The thought of being unstable like this angered him again. He grabs his lower ending of his uniform tight. He isn’t even supposed to wear it, but it felt right to wear it here. As if Spock were in control, as if he knew what he’s supposed to do.   
“Is there anything we can do to help?”   
Spock stares at Uhuras for a longer while than expected, without actually looking at her. He thinks.  
“ Continue your day like you would usually do.”  
Spock meant it. He can’t concentrate, can’t think. But he believes that seeing an order like the duties of the crewmates would do him better. Order is logical. It’s a symmetrical structure that keeps everything organized. It nearly doesn’t cause any problems and it leads to far better. This is something that Spock would need. His mind needs to be ordered. If he can’t keep that ordered, seeing something in order might help.  
“Mister Spock?” Chekov snaps his fingers in front of his superior crewmate. Spocks whole body shudders as response. “We were about to leave. We’ll see you...whenever we see you, I guess.”  
“Oh. I..I apoplogize. I seem to have drifted off?” He has. Like the entirety of the conversation of the table. He can’t even listen to order.  
The three thought it was rather cute of mister Spock. They had to fight their smiles off.  
“It’s ok. I believe now you understand how it feels when I drift off of the meetings.” Uhura chuckles.   
Spock watches all three of them go through the door and still keeps his eyes on it for a minute.   
This “drifting off” feeling is what he’s questioning at the moment. He didn’t even realize it. And just like that -snap- he lost about 10 minutes of a conversation, of a day. And even at this very moment, he’s staring at a door. 

—-

Spock is going to his quarters again. Instead of taking the quickest and easiest way back, he takes the longest-taking route. Though it only has about 2 minutes difference. But it’ll be worth it, Spock thinks. He takes the longer route because he might hit something. On his way, he tries to concentrate and look at every centimeter he’s passing. There might be something wrong on the way, something that maybe a new crewmate has misplaced. Or maybe something would explode. He would try to theorize why it would explode, try to fix it. Literally anything could happen. They’re in space. They’ve seen that nothing is impossible out there. Even a vulcan can start to emote..  
Nothing happened. He has passed around 40 crewmates. All were peacefully doing their duties. Hoping for something bad to happen isn’t the best thing anyways. And hoping...isn’t that human? The thought made Spock clench his fists tight.

Spock arrives at his quarters door.  
„Ah, mister Spock!“ a familiar voice comes closer to the vulcan. The voice pants heavily as he arrives behind Spock.  
„It’s good that I’ve catched you here! I was gonna go see you anyways. Not exactly now but I already catched you here.” as the first officer turns around, Kirk immediately leans his hand against Spocks shoulder and kneels down to catch his breath.  
„Why do you want to see me, captain?“   
„I want to check on you, of course. I know you didn’t want anyone but, uhmm..“ he takes his hand off the shoulder, when he realizes that he has invaded personal vulcan space. „Well, I’m the captain! I’m worried about you.“  
„And I‘m guessing you knew that doctor Mccoy came to visit.“ Jim nods. „Let’s get inside, then.“

Kirk makes his way immediately to the chair. It’s like it’s his chair. They always sit together at Spocks table, either playing chess or talking about business and other things.   
“And? How are you?“  
„I can’t say I’m fine. I’m raging inside, I’m ashamed inside. I can’t even tell these feelings apart.“ Spock shot his thoughts like a bullet. He was comfortable with Jim, like always. They’re close and have shared many of their thoughts, fears and feelings to each other. Because they definitely have strong trust. It’s only a natural feeling to be comfortable like this.  
„I see..“ Kirk fumbles with his hands, that are layed across the table. „But do you know what you could do?“   
Spock is silent.  
„Nothing at all.“ he sighs. „Me and Bones have tried to research for solutions. And there isn’t really a lot about vulcans. Well, vulcans who can’t control their mind anymore because of an alien attack.“  
„If I can’t overcome this..this unstable human state. I have to leave the enterprise.”  
Kirk jumps off his chair and walks a few meters away in frustration. He rubs his eyes. „No..no, no..Spock, we are going to do something about it. No matter what.“ he has turned his back to look at the little window that displays the outside. They’re silent for another minute. Jim thinks about the future, about the space in front of him. It won’t be the same. Ever. Without Spock, this space will be empty. Even with all the things that space hides, it will always be empty. He has gotten used to having Spock next to him.   
„I don’t want to loose you. You know it better.“  
They’ve gotten very close, closer than friend. He can’t afford to loose that. His love for Spock is too strong and important. It’s just a one-time thing. There’s no one like Spock in space. All these planets, all these same aliens on planet vulcan. There can never be one like Spock.  
„I’m aware. But I will be nothing but used space on the enterprise. And the enterprise is obviously more important.“  
Jim knows. But at the same time, he wants to disagree. No one is more important than Spock. And he hates that. As much as he hates that thought, he can’t do anything about it. A full ship over one person. But that is just how Jim feels. It’s human.

Spock stands up to walk over to Kirk. As he gets closer, he notices how Jim is slightly shaking. He sniffs.  
„I’m afraid that’s how it will be, captain. It is sad for both of us, I understand it. “ he places a hand on Kirks shoulder.   
“Don’t captain me right now.” He chuckles and wipes a tear on his cheek away. Then proceeds to walk to Spocks bed and sits.   
“So now this is the so-called friend time again? Jim?”  
Jim smiles. Spocks cheeks turn to a soft fern green tone. “You know we’re not just close friends. Come here.” He pats the bed two times, signaling Spock to sit next to him. “I’m aware that we’re much more closer.”   
“And you think we’re what?” Kirk leans into Spock, holding his hand out to the flushed cheeks. His eyelids fall when he looks at Spocks lips. The way Kirks long eyelashes look so beautiful like that, it makes the vulcan blush more. Jim is gorgeous, he’s thinking. Jim has always been. But at this moment, it feels different. Spocks stomach is tingling. It feels comfortably warm. He’s so pretty...

“Aren’t we, in your terms, lovers?”  
“Yes.” he looks in Spocks eyes again. He almost gasps. Spocks eyes are actually watering. Jim grabs his face with both hands and smiles. “And that means that I won’t loose you. Ever. I wouldn’t allow that to happen.”   
“Jim..” his face is completely flushed dark green now. Tears are falling down his cheek. When Jim was about to kiss him, Spock pulls himself away in emberassment. He clenches his eyes tight as his hands cover his face. “Spock?”  
“I..” he rubs his eyes. “I apologize. This was rather uncomfortable.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry, Spock! I didn’t know.”  
“No, I mean my emotions. You didn’t do anything wrong.”  
Jim chuckles loud. “You’re embarrassed! That’s so cute.” Spock glares at him again, his puffy eyes are looking at Jim angrily now. “That is very demeaning and insulting to me.”  
“But it’s true. You can’t deny that fact. *And* that you’re embarrassed .” He winks.  
“I..I am embarrassed. I guess. I can’t fight it off. I can’t fight off any of my feelings. They’re leaking like any fluid.”  
“And what are you feeling now? At this moment?” This time, Spock is the one who leans in closer to Jim. His hand touches his own chest first. “I am feeling many things. Anger, frustration, sadness, insecurity, love...” They’re silent. Spocks hand moves over to Jims shoulder and right after glides down his arm. “I feel a lot about you at this moment.”   
Jim laughs again. His cheeks are heating up. Their hands are touching now.   
„I can’t bare to stand in this pool of emotions any longer. But some of them feel very nice. I’m realizing it now at this moment.“   
„Do you feel like kissing me?“  
„I frankly do.“  
Spock blinks, confused by himself. Not even the words coming out of his mouth can be controlled. He grabs Jims hand tight and closes the gap between their lips with a kiss. It’s a short kiss. A short but very warm kiss. Their hands are even warmer. Spocks hand is already sweating.  
“Jim, I feel..so warm.” Spock gasps. The tinglings in his chest and stomach start to build up. He looks over to their hands. Jim slowly starts to stroke the vulcans index and ring finger, just like Spock taught him. He doesn’t know what to do or say. Their eyes are locked. It’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Without thinking, he kisses Jim again. And again.   
They stop to catch some air.  
“Why do I feel so warm in my stomach?”  
Jim holds Spocks now moss green cheek and smiles. “I think you have butterflies in your stomach.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Oh you feel love, Spock. Like a child having a crush for a first time.”  
“I’ve experienced love before. Especially with you. And now it feels different.”  
Jim chuckles. They’re silent for two minutess.

„Spock..is it possible for me to enter you?“ he whispers. Spocks eyes wander to anywhere else but the person in front of him. Should he accept Jim in his mind? It’s not the first time. The only times happened at missions. They were necessary. They were life and death situations. This situation might be necessary too. But his mind is broken now. It’s messy and unorganized. He can’t even be there himself. He hates being in his mind.   
„Jim, it was hard for me to enter my own mind place. I couldn’t last long. It’s a complete different place now.“  
Spock thinks about it again. Jim is able to enter it. There is no problem. Expect the emotions. He’s ashamed. He’s so broken in his mind, no one should see it.   
“We can try. I’m mentally stronger than you at the moment.”  
“Are you sure? It’s broken apart. “  
“I don’t want to loose you, Spock. Mentally nor physically.“ Spock nods as his eyes water again. He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate as much as he can. Jim watches him like this for a minute. It usually just takes about a few seconds. He must be struggling, the captain thinks.   
“Alright..”  
Jim takes a deep breath, loosens his shoulders and closes his eyes. Almost immediately, Spocks fingers place onto his face on the needed points. It takes longer than expected, of course, to connect Jim and Spock to a mind place. 1,347 minute, to be exact. But they’ve made it. They’ve connected.  
Jim and Spock are now one. His mind to Jims mind. Jims mind to Spocks mind. It feels as if there’s no other mind. There’s only one. Hardly.   
As Jim realizes where he is, he feels a hard pressure on himself. The pressure is tingling on him. This mind place isn’t exactly strong. Meaning he has a limit of time. He’s gotta be fast.  
Jim looks around, with somewhat his eyes. He’s not sure whether his body is here or not. It’s pitch black, bright as the biggest sun he’s ever seen. The thought of not knowing what’s around him makes him uneasy.

There’s numbers, labeled with words. They’re in vulcan. He knows enough of that language to tell them apart. What weirds him more out is the colors. Colors are unprofessional and even more illogical for a vulcan. Yet they’re here.   
The numbers he’s seeing, suddenly start to rise and fall. A yellow writing starts to rise. Red is falling. Green is rising.   
Jim realizes that this might be bad. Spock might be bad. He’s getting worse. But he doesn’t know what to do as a human. So all he does is go forward. He passes more colorful writings. Pink, blue, orange purple..more..all in different shades and tones. He can’t really name all these color shades. If Spock were here, he’d be able to name every single one. And he’d rise his eyebrows at the captain for not being able to tell apart „easy colors“ like that.   
There’s really nothing Jim can think of with his own mind. It’s not like can see his body, or see anything. He can’t tell if he’s even there. Jim looks behind to see the path he’s crossed already, probably.   
And there is actually something. A path behind him? The numbers behind him have actually stopped to rise and fall. They’re still and constant. It seems like every single number has agreed on a value. The colors are slowly fading away. Some colors have completely faded. It’s weird. Kirk looks infront of him again. The numbers there are still illogicaly colorful and are rising or falling.  
Is this Jims doing?  
Jim tries to go near a somewhat pink-reddish color. It’s weird again. He can’t? He can’t go near it. At every step he takes, Jim doesn’t seem like he’s been nearer than before. There has been no movement. He’s standing at his exact spot.  
Jim starts running. Maybe. He tries to run forward. It seems like going past these things aren’t helping. Probably. What else is there to do?  
He runs and he runs. Passing all these numbers and colors. They’re all seemingly going back to normal. After a while, he stops moving. Not because Jim feels tired. Jim doesn’t feel anything at all. 

„Spock!“ he calls out, hoping for any kind of response. „Spock!“

„Yes, Jim?“ and there he is. Spock popped in front of him. Jim would’ve gasped out of suprise, if he could.   
„Oh, hi Spock. I could’ve done that the entire time?“   
He looks down and notices how his body has suddenly appeared again.  
„Well..What am I doing here? I’m not sure if I did anything.“  
„Your presence was enough, Jim. You have calmed my emotions.”   
Jim blinks with the eyes he’s finally obtained. 

“Oh?” 

“Yes..”   
Spock reaches out to Jims hand. „I believe so alteast. My anger has lowered for 12,791%, for example.“ 

“Huh okay.”

They stay together like that, hand in hand. Jim actually catches Spock smile. A normally weird sight. He would’ve acted on it. Like gasp, scream in excitement, cry, whatever human reaction there can be. But Jim isn’t really there and therefore can’t react. That would make him sad but again, can’t react. This is weird. Is this how it’s like to be vulcan?

“It’s like we’re reversed, I think. I can’t really feel anything here in this mind place. You on the other hand feel everything there is.”  
“It is nice.” Spock holds Jims both hand together as one. “Though I wish I could see you smile. Your smile is always warm and brightv enough it can blind me.“

“I think I would cry right now. And hug you until you suffocate because of that.” Spock responds with a wider smile. The fact that Spock is emoting freely like this in front of Jim would make him feel happy, relaxed, glad. The vulcan isn’t even ashamed. Spock looks truly happy. This is his mind place and every emotion he has, is visible. They’re true emotions.

„Jim, may I ask you to leave now? I need to meditate to fully sort myself out.“   
„Wait how do I leave?“  
„Excuse me, I mean when...“

„-We’re out.“   
Jim blinks. His eyes refocuse again. Spocks face is only a few centimeters apart of Jims.  
„Oh.“  
Their eyes don’t cut the staring. The staring doesn’t stop for what feels forever. As if they’re still connected. Mind in mind. Spock has already removed his fingers from Jims face. And the connection still remains between them. Mentally.

“Ahh.” Jim chuckles. “I should leave you.” He taps his middle and ring finger on Spocks hand as a quick kiss, and gets off the bed.  
“Are you feeling better?”  
“I’m better, but not in my normal state yet. I still have the urge to express many strong emotions at once. That gives me the reason to meditate.”  
“Ah. Well, glad to hear you’re better. Let me know when you’re free. And go check on the doctor after your meditation.”   
Jim could swear he saw Spock roll his eyes. He takes a long breath.   
“..yes, I will do that.“

——-

**Author's Note:**

> There’s MAYBEE gonna be a second chapter, where Spock and McCoy discuss this in sickbay. I’ve started writing it already but I’m not sure if I’ll like it.


End file.
